01 November 2014

佛教历史幻想曲

晚上阅读佛教历史时,突然对佛教历史发展有不同幻想。因此,续上次佛教演义《乌托邦教主死后...》,这次再来一个玩转佛教的幻想曲。



佛教到底是如何发展出来的呢?其实,短短一句话就能够大概搞清楚佛教由古至今不同人物,不同宗派的发展时间线与及他们的立场。先声明,有些笑话可能会让人摸不着头脑,但是假设能搞明白所有笑点,就证明你的跨宗派佛教知识合格。

(以下对白只是笔者以个人对该角色和宗派立场的刻板印象所设计,不完全代表他们,仅此通告)

佛陀:Shut up, let go, meditate


阿难:Buddha said we can loosen up

大迦叶:No!

部派:What is mind?

般若中观:Your mind and the world are empty

瑜伽唯识:Your mind and the world are not empty, in fact the world is your mind

如来藏派:Your mind is both empty and not empty, in fact the world is your mind, so 
                   the world is both empty and not empty too

中观应成派:Fuck the world, sky, earth, space, everything!

中观自续派:Fuck 应成派!

菩萨道:Sorry I can't hear you, busy with bitches!

净土:Shut up, chant Buddha's name, bye bye cruel world and Samsara


华严:The world is bigger than the world itself, but I don't even know what am I 
           saying

天台:The world is empty, fake, and neither empty nor fake, so lets meditate

禅宗:The world has nothing to do with you, so shut the fuck up, either meditate 
           quietly or ask where the fuck were you before you were born

北宗:Clean the shit on the mirror

南宗:There's no shit or mirror

曹洞:Just meditate

临济:Just ask some unanswerable question, whether you do or not I'll still whoop 
           your ass!

律宗:You guys just broke rule number 10.34, so according to rule number 112.45, 
           you all are banned from the Sangha

唯识,三论, 俱舍,成实 ,地论,摄论,涅磐:Does anybody remember us?

东密:Chant Buddha's name, visualize Buddha's image, joint your finger together 
           until they're knotted, TADA! You're Buddha now, no, you're always Buddha

宁玛:Great Perfection, Great Eye, Great Rest

噶举:Great Hand Seal, Great Fire, Great Sleep, Great Light, Great Illusion, Great 
           Bardo, Great Dying Time

萨迦:You're Buddha from the beginning, in the middle, till the end

格鲁:Rules are not meant to be broken, lets do everything step by step

觉囊:Somebody help me!

事部:I'm chanting while having shower


行部:Ching Chong Ling Long Ting Tong

瑜伽部:So many stuff to memorize, arhhhh!

无上瑜伽部:I'm so happy but I still feel empty

马哈希:Vipassana is enough

帕奥:Samantha is important too

葛印卡:Sit and get electrified!

阿姜曼:Naughty some more? I'll whoop your ass!

阿姜查:I'm Ajahn Chah, but there is no Ajahn Chah, and I'll whoop your ass too

阿姜苏美多:Oh shit, Oh yes

阿姜布拉姆:Jhana is king

曾银湖:Follow the oldest tradition, no wait, we've lost the tradition, there's no 
               tradition!

达摩悟陀:Follow 4 Major Nikaya+ 6/18 Khuddaka Nikaya + Vinaya, Abhidhamma 
                  and Visuddhimagga sucks!

锡兰+缅甸派:No!

月溪:So many suckers up there

南怀瑾:You are the biggest sucker!

净空:Did I say 2012 is the end of the world? I mean yes but no!

印顺:Guys learn some history

证严:Sorry teacher! I think I'm only good in doing good

圣严:I got A+ in history, yeah!

萧平实:You all are suckers, 圣严 are faker, 印顺 go to hell!  Wait a minute, how to 
               say "go to hell" in Tibetan?

卢胜彦:I'm the true Buddha!

Vishnu:No! I'm Buddha's real identity

佛陀:How can I be blue when I'm good at meditation? You Liar!

卢胜彦:Then I'm the true Buddha!

佛陀: I'm not a moron either

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